For the Cauvery

Ladies and Sentlemen,

The river Cauvery flows through the states of Karnataka and Tamil Nadu, giving life to millions of farmers along the way. Politicians have created this unseemly rift between the peoples of the two states. So may the Royal Challenge whiskey flow through Bangalore on its way to Cementing itself in Chennai. It does not matter who wins tonight because the great Cricket philosopher Ravi Sastrigal once said that “No matter what transpired here today, the game of cricket is the winner”. When cricket is always going to win, let us just enjoy one more 20 over item number people.

The Road Roller named Cricket

Our former champion of champions, Ravi Sastri has always told us that this game is like a road roller. It is a great leveller. And just like some films flop and some films work, the tale of T20 cricket is like the graph of sin(t) plotted against t. The lesson we must derive from that is usually cos(t). Bad puns aside, a teacher of mine once told me that good stories have heroes who have bad habits. Stories with heroes who never make mistakes and take on everybody’s burden dont work. Learn from that, Matty boy. Edge one to first slip early on in the next match and enjoy a coca cola moment of chilled out relaxation, while the rest of the boys learn to pull their weight

Hayden Seek

In my youth times in the village, I was a very strong boy. My moustache made its appearance years before it did on any of my friends. We used to play cricket on the sandbanks of the river running through my village. My team was always the strongest, because even the ball was indebted to me as I had saved its sister from a gang of goons in the past. So it would always come close to my bat, say “Vanakkam Ayya” and allow itself to be hit anywhere. But I never took advantage of my powers because I did not want to spoil my friends. I would always set it up in such a way that the weakest of my friends had an opportunity to be the matchwinner, and grow in confidence because of that. Yesterday, my protege Hayden followed in my footsteps and let Badri finish the job. And he did.

Sack-you-bhai

Dear friends,

Victory in the house. It is having Idli and filter coffee, and has accepted our invitation to have full meals also. We must convince it to stay on for the semi-final Plaintain bajji and evening tea, and also for the final dinner feast of Thalappaakattu Biriyani. But our gracious guest was almost tempted to try out the Butter Chicken from Patiala yesterday. As part of my daily motivation sessions, I urged Hayden to watch our traditional Jalli Kattu, so that Matt Hayden may transform into “Maattu” Hayden and gore the petulant bowlers of the opposition. But our fielding and catching…..In my village, when farmers carry sackfuls of potatoes and the sack develops a hole in its bottom, potatoes have a tendency to drop out of that hole. Our age old traditional wisdom tells us that we must take that sack aside, let it a enjoy a small vacation while we stitch the hole shut, so that future incidents of potatoes exercising their Right of Gravity can be avoided. In Tamil Nadu, we call sack – “Gony”

Punch Dialogue Training

Dear Partymembers,

Yet another victory! True heroes always rise from the ashes. Villians may kill their honest, non-bribe-taking fathers. They may Uterus-erasify their sisters while at that. Or sometimes, their bowlers might bowl poorly at the death. Two important party members came and met me before the tournament started and asked me for advice. And according to my philosophy, advice and 2 Rupee rice should always be free. So I advised them. Matthew Hayden told me that he had not played cricket for many months because he was busy surfing, fishing and karuvaadu-drying. Suresh Raina told me that he wanted to be sure of getting into the Indian International T20 team. I told Hayden that he must train his bat in the art of the punch dialogue. The bowler can say anything – offcutter, leg cutter, offbreak or legbreak, but the bat must come forward and deliver the punch dialogue with pure muscle power. I told Raina that it is not always about punch dialogues, but one must also slip into a white & white suit (with white shoes) and gently caress the heroine, and hit her for a six when the opportunity presents itself. I am happy that my advice proved useful yesterday

The MTC Bus Strategy

My beloved team members,

Congrasulations on the magnificent victory against the erstwhile champions. It required a big change, a big turn in our fortunes and who better to provide that turn than our bold spinners? But from my perspective, I thought I must share an idea that struck me as I was watching this match. We seem to be currently following the “Tamil Nadu Express Strategy”. This train always comes at full speed from Delhi to Basin Bridge, and then it slows down to a crawl to arrive at Chennai Central half an hour late. Our batting seems to be like that. We reach Basin Bridge at over 16 and then dokku-vecchufy for the remaining period . We need to shift to the “MTC Bus Strategy”, where we start out in the morning, all mean, grumpy and aggressive, drive like maniacal serial killers all day and at the end of the day, when everyone expects us to be tired and tame, drive even more like maniacs. I will publish the details on this strategy in our party’s newspaper/mouthpiece, Dr Namadhu MSD for all of you to read.

Hello Indian Publics!

Hi. I am part of the Chennai Super Kings, but I don’t get a chance to play because I am fairly ordinary at cricket. In fact, I describe myself as a “Slow, medium pace batsman”. Since I don’t get much play time, I am doing what any self respecting team member does – start a blog to badmouth the entire team, its management and owners. But since I am from Chennai, and my Madras culture (Filter Coffee, 14-mini idlis, 100% humidity, Music Academy and Vidya Mandir school education) prevents me from doing that. So instead, I am going to sing my team’s praises at every opportunity I get. Loss or win, I am a loyal member of the CSK Munnetra Kazhagam.